My specialness

Today I managed to slice my finger open on my umbrella while I was attempting to retrieve it from my backpack's side pocket. I think it takes a certain amount of talent to slice your finger open on something like that. Therefore you should all fear and worship my amazing self-injuring powers. I don't even try.

I hate it when I'm right...

I hate it when I'm right. My prediction was perfectly on. Goddamn it. I'd much rather it come as a surprise so I can whine more. Bleh.

Menstrual

The pain begins—
I write it off as “Just can’t get comfortable.”
If it weren’t for denial
I’d see the inevitable

But every time
I ignore the warnings
Turn away and pretend
Everything will be okay

The pain spreads
Before I know it
I collapse on the stair landing
What if I had gone one more step?

My vision blurs
The cooing of my roommate
to her boyfriend
Makes me feel violent.

Medicine dulls the pain,
But I feel so weak,
I can hardly walk—
I guess I spend today in bed

Two days, three tops,
I’ll be fine.
Next month will be the next time.
Goddamn the pain.

.

I would just like to say, it sucks to know that your period is coming. It's like a black cloud hanging ominously in your future that you can't ignore with forewarning. In high school and still today, my mom has this canny ability to predict my period down to the day. We'll be in the car and she'll just suddenly say, "Hey, don't you get your period today or tomorrow?" I won't even be expecting it, then the following day, lo and behold, I have my period. I avoid calling her around this time of the month to avoid the forewarning.

But obviously my body can't have that. Three to four days before my period comes, while I am still firmly planted in the denial stage that it will ever return again, I don't feel as perky as usual. Not all day, just bouts of, "Meh, I don't feel like dealing with you!" I'll cramp for a moment then it goes away, so I can pretend it was a stomach cramp, or indigestion instead.

And the final clue, my dreams change content. I don't necessarily remember all of them, but around that time of the month, the dreams are most definitely all rated above pg-13. Let's just keep it at that. Nice of my hormones to invade my dreams and tell me, "Guess what? You're fertile, bitch, but its a limited time offer! Act now!" At least I know based on dreams alone when to have sex to get pregnant, or the other way around. Too bad I have no relationship for this to help out with. What the hell, Body, I mean really. The biological clock is not supposed to tick so strong until I'm older. I'm not nearly old enough to be dealing with this crap. Never mind the random pregnancy and mother dreams. Way too damn many of those.

But at least I'm quotable. My room mate just reminded me of something funny i said yesterday: "I wanted to laugh because her face made me want to cry, but I was too busy crying."

Yes, that makes everything all better. Just laugh and forget everything you just read.

New pens!

My new pens came! The ones I spend way too much money on, but I'm so happy I have! They're Uniball Signo DX gel pens, size .38 point. They are my drug. They are beautiful, and elegant. Once I got them I wanted to try all of them out, see what colors they were and all, I ended up writing this poem based on rhyme alone, that literally just flowed out of the pen. I had no idea I would write a poem when the pen touched paper. (It wasn't even nice paper, it was a receipt!) So now I have a multi-color poem on the back the the pen receipt.

This is the poem:

The End of Days

Today we fall to the end of days.
Say goodbye and the last of your praise;
After this there will be no return,
So go ahead, let the sorrow burn.

This right here is the end of the line.
It’s really too bad, there was time to try
To stop this before the apocalypse came,
Now we are left to the survival game

Because now we are trapped in the end of days.
Say not your regrets, stave off your prays;
There will be no return to the ways of old,
So go ahead, let the rage take hold.

So much for humanity—
So much for love—
Look what barbarians we’ve become
Now that the end of days has come.

Yesterday we fell to the end of days.
We said out goodbyes and the last of our praise
For a society fallen that will not rise again,
Now we are left to the survival game.


I'm very happy with this poem. That is how poetry is done, it just flows, like the ink in my really totally aweseom Uniball Signo DX pens.

Week's end

It's Friday. It's about time. I was very slightly dreading this day. This morning I had a kanji quiz in japanese that has been hanging over my head all freaking week. I studies and I am glad to say that I think that I did quite well. I'm pretty sure I only missed one. We had to know 87 new vocab words for this quiz, not that we would be tested on all of them, but we didn't know which ones would show up on the quiz either. I made flashcards and studies my best, I think I did very well.

The rest of the day should be nice. Japanese History will go as usual, but then in Anthropology we're watching a Jane Goodall documentary on chimpanzees. I'm pretty excited about that. Then tonight I intend to go to a concert of a group called Cello Fourte, which is, you guessed it, a cello quartet, but they appear to play more modern music (not that I don't love classical music, cause I do). The group has the appearance of a punk group on their poster.

Well, thats enough of that. Oh, and I finally transfered all my poetry from the last year into my poetry journal. That was an achievement that actually made me feel good about life. And I spent $25 on the pens. Not just any pens, but the awesomest pens ever that make me really happy. +refills. I will be happy for a long time to come.

Now, that's enough. Bye.

It's been a while...

Its been quite a while since I wrote in a blog. I did write in a journal while I was in Japan, one day I will transfer those thoughts into this blog. My friends are rather curious about how the trip was.

Spring Semester started two weeks ago now. I like all of my classes, of which there are only four, thank goodness. I'm taking Japanese 402, Modern Japanese History, Geology: Earth's Environments, and Anthropology: Human Origins.

That's not really why I chose to write now, though. I had a rather interested dream last night. It was a little more convoluted than normal, but I won't hold that against it. I'll instead choose to disregard the entire middle section that is basically entirely not related to the interesting part. The scene I saw just before waking refers back to an earlier segment of dream before I ventured out into the city and dealt with all the convoluted nonsense.

It started like this: I was traveling. Many of my traveling companions were the same people with whom I had traveled to Japan, though I have a strong suspicion that this dream did not take place in Japan given the complete lack of Japanese language in the dream (yes, I have dreamed in foreign languages before, only if I have studied the language though). I was hanging out with this guy, and it seems he took a liking to me, because his caretaker approached me and told me I was the best candidate so far for the guy's bride. It turns out the guy was royalty, and after conferring with his caretaker/advisor, both agreed that I would be the best match. I was pretty much asked to marry the prince and begin preparing to help rule a nation. I responded that I was not suited for the job. The advisor urged me to think on it, and get back to him. I did not have to rush my decision.

The rest of the dream proceded in it's nice convoluted way until the end. Just like most mornings during the Winter Term trip in Japan, my room mate and I packed up our stuff. For some reason my suit case had been changed, and I was given a thin plain suit case to put my things in. Inside there were empty garment bags, cosmetics bags, towels, all labeled "Property of the King's Companion". I didn't find it funny.

Upon exiting the room, my room mate headed towards the elevator, I waved her off telling her that I would catch up later. After recieving her confirmation of having heard me, I went the other direction down the hall. I found the room I was searching for. I was basically the next room down on the opposition side of the hall of mine. I took a deep breath and knocked. What appeared to be a secretary opened the door with her hands full of papers. "Can I help you?" she asked.

"Um, yes, I was told to find a Mr. (i forgot the name)."

The old advisor appeared at the secretary's shoulder. "Ah, you came, Ms. ___"

"Yes, I made my decision." I lowered my voice, "Can I please speak with you alone?"

"Of course, come in and wait on the couch. I be right there."

I went and sat down on the couch. The room I had entered was more of a suit. The first room seemed to be a living area, though currently it was filled with people scurrying about with stacks of paper, and making calls. The coffee table before the couch was filled with platters of food. I ignored these. It might surprise you, but I was rather nervous about telling the advisor my decision.

Shortly the advisor came and sat next to me on the same couch. The prince had followed behind him and sat alone of the loveseat at a right angle with the couch I was on. I glowered at the advisor, "I thought I said I wanted to speak with you alone, not in a room full of people and with the prince we're talking about." Since recieving the impromptu marriage proposal, I was very shy around the prince despite not having been so before. The advisor asked if it was a problem. With a sigh I replied, "No, no it's okay. I guess he should hear, too."

"I made my decision about the proposal you gave me. I know that you were looking for a leader, not so much a bride, but that doesn't change the fact that I would some day be marrying the prince. So, um.....wait, are those plantains?"

I hadn't noticed before, but several of the platters on the table before me were filled with fried plantains or platanos in Spanish. The advisor answered, "Yes. We thought that it would be nice to welcome our future lady with foods she was familiar with. Do you like them?"

"Oh...yes, thank you." I blushed. "Yes, so, um, I haven't really known the prince for too, long. I don't think I'm ready for marriage, but, um, I will try. I'm not guaranteeing that I will be the one, or that I will marry him someday, but I work with you and help you out."

It would seem that this is what they both wanted to hear. The prince's face broke out into a huge smile, and the advisor happily replied, "I am glad to hear that. Of course you don't have to agree to spend the rest of your life with him just yet. I'm sure though, that given time you will surely fall in love!"

I laughed nervously. I don't know why I agreed. I certainly never dreamed of someday becoming a queen. I mean, this is modern day, there is a supreme shortage of royal material to go around sweeping girls off their feet, let alone going around and finding someone based on their ability to lead. This was most of the dream. There was a little more about me starting to work with the prince to help make decisions about the state, but the conflict was over.

Weird huh? It's amazing how many dreams I have that involve a relationship and how very few of those involve normal relationships. What does this say about me? Given my total lack of relationships in real life, I have a suspicion that I just need a relationship, period. WTF.

Lost Wallet

It's snowing in Oberlin. It has actually been snowing since Friday night. I'm sure we are approaching the one foot mark of snow.

Last year I was horribly ill during the one big snow on Valentine's day leaving me unable to go outside. So lets say I'm really happy with the snow. Never mind exam period. On my way back to my room yesterday I saw a particularly nice snow drift and plopped down to make a snow angle! That was a really deep snow angel.

Two some hours later after finishing my Philosophy take -home exam I decided it would be a good time to eat and go to the japanese history study session. It was at this time that I realized i was missing something, something rather important, that held my license, student id, and credit cards. I had lost my wallet.

I nearly turned my room inside out looking for the wallet to no avail. I began to panic, what if I lost it in King when I was taking stuff over there with my room mate? What if I lost it in the snow? That was two hours ago and it was still snowing! I went ahead and printed my philosophy final to go ahead and turn it in in King while I looked to my wallet. So then philosophy was completely out of the way but I still had no wallet. I dug around in the snow where I made the snow angel and scanned the entire path I walked from king to my dorm several times. Still no wallet.

I called Safety nd Security to see if they found it and checked the lost and found at Wilder Desk, but still not one had turned in my wallet. I ended up skipping the Japanese History review session, I was too stressed out to deal with it, plus in my current state, it wasn't like I would retain anything. So I turned to Ni and said I was leaving.
"But what about the review session."
I shrugged and said, "I'm prefectly confident I'll do fine in this class. I did all the readings and attended every lecture, I'm not worried."

A girl standing near by was clearly shocked by my lack of stress about teh course. Ni offered to give me notes of the review session, but I told her I would be fine without them and that she didn't have to unless she wanted to, then left.

I scanned the way I had walked from King several more times after I returned. The last time I had ventured out after once again turning my room inside out I saw a curious spiral of snow form on the ground at my feet. As I watched it, It exploded upwards and I quickly found myself engulfed within a snow tornado. it was cold and the snow moving in the forty mph winds stung. This happened several times as I ventured to my snow angel and dug in the near foot of snow gathered there. I didn't find my wallet.

Ultimately I told myself to relax and wait till morning. By the time I had realized the wallet was missing it was dark, and the darkness was most likely teh reason I had yet to find the wallet. I set my alarm to wake me up far earlier than I needed to wake to go to my Marine Science exam at 9:00 in the morning, and went to sleep. Let's leave it at last night's dreams were really really weird. yeah, damn those satanic cursed babies and bunny rabbits, never mind the people eating giant octopus tentacle like worms. they suck too.

8:30 in the morning this morning, I ventured to my snow angel one last time. The side walks had been plowed, and I sincerely hoped my wallet hadn't fallen along the side walk and been buried that way. In the snow angel I once again dug around where my pockets would have been and finally found my wallet buried on the left side of the snow angel. The smile that split across my face in that moment made me feel wonderful. I shook the snow off the recently recovered article and returned it to its rightful place in my right back pocket. The smile almost never left my face as I walked over to Severance where I would take my Marine Science final shortly, not even when we found the doors were locked and had to wait outside in the cold.

Once we got inside and began to warm up I realized that my butt was cold. I guess it takes a while for a wallet left freezing in the snow overnight to warm up.