Mutant Kitten!

I had one hell of a weird dream last night. The part I remember most that led to me jerking awake at some ungodly time of the morning went like this.

I was just exiting my dorm. Outside it was sunny with clear blue skies. The leaves on the trees were still vivid and bright oranges and reds, but there was also a plethora of leaves on the ground blowing with the wind. As I stepped out of the back door of my dorm I saw something on the ground nearby. At first I didn't know what it was. It was small, only slightly bigger then my fist and flesh colored. It looked like skin.

Upon closer inspection I was horrified. It was a raw skinned pile of flesh, and that is all. However, before my very eyes, it began to differentiate, I began to be able to see limbs and a little tail. And slowly, fine white fur began to grow from the skin. It was a kitten. A hideously bald fleshy mutant white kitten.

At first the fur was patchy and thin, but once again, before my very eyes the fur grew thicker, although the thing still looked scraggly as all hell. I was convinced of what it was, or at least what it had turned into when it finally moved and released a tiny heart-wrenching "mew."

For a moment I wondered if I should take it to a shelter. I worried though that if I took it the mother cat wouldn't be able to find it. What if the mom was coming back. Of course, then it occurred to me no mom cat would likely come given I just saw this kitten form from a pile of flesh.

Finally I made my decision, I would take the thing to the vet in town to get it checked out so it can go to a home. I couldn't leave it here, it would die from exposure or something would come to eat it, and I couldn't very well stand watch over it forever. Decision made I approached the thing and carefully picked it up. It was so tiny in my arms!

Now with the mutant kitten cradled in my arms, I rose and turned around to begin walking towards the vet. I hadn't gone even a step before I stopped. There hovering in the air right in front of my face, not even a full foot away, was a crow. Terror gripped me. This crow was completely black, black feathers, black beak, and beady black eyes (like most crows) but its wings were not beating. The crow hovered in the air, wings outstretched, beak held open, but unmoving.

I held my breath as I saw the bird's eyes move to focus on the kitten in my arms. Suddenly it let out a loud cry and dove forwards. I barely had time to duck. But I managed and it flew over my head. I turned to keep it in sight only to see an entire flock of crows filling the sky. Where I couldn't before, now I could hear a horrible cacaphone of sound as they all cried out and began swarming towards me. I ran.

The scene shifts to the waiting room of a veterinary clinic. There my brother and dad and some other men I don't know were waiting for me. My brother was wondering what was taking me so long? And why did I ask them to meet me there? Suddenly someone was banging on the doors. One of the other men opened the door and I came barreling inside. I was bleeding from various cuts and my light jacket was torn in multiple places with blood seeping out from underneathe, revealing the wounds.

"What happened?"

"I was attacked."

"By who?" My brother asked, then added, "What is that?"

He was referring to the fugly scraggly still partially bald things in my arms. "It's a kitten" I respond.

He gave me a look that screamed, "Oh, really?"

I continued, "The birds are trying to kill it?"

The guys went on to question me as to why I would put myself out there for an ugly little kitten. I thought about it. Somehow, I just knew that this thing was going to be something beautiful, it was going to blossom into a gorgeous cat, but those birds would kill it before it ever had the chance if I didn't protect it.

I never got a chance to say such, at that moment a bird flew full force into the glass portion of the door behind me. It fractured. I turned to look outside. The sky was dark from the hundreds of crows filling the sky. We were surrounded. I saw another bird come flying towards the window. If it hit, I was sure the window would shatter. I held the kitten in my arms protectively, it mewed in protest. The crow came closer and closer. Just as it was going to hit the glass I woke up.

I don't know why, but I have a really strong feeling that this dream is telling me something about my life right now. Something along the lines that I am the one protecting a hideous something or other that others would abandon because I can see the potential in it. Without my protection, something bad would happen to it. I think the something might be a person that I know others have given up on and now think is a bad person, an I also suspect this person needs protection and guidance. I can't help but wonder if this dream is about that situation with the person in my real life.

All that shines on me

Come nightfall—
Come the ending of the day—
I’ve lost the light to lead me on my way.
With dusk my strength fails me
And a great weakness grips my limbs
So that all I can do is take a few staggering steps
To lay beneath this slowly dying tree.

Through the barren branches
The moon’s cold light is all that shines down on me.

When did this battle become too much to bear?
So much that at day’s end I collapse without a care?
I once had the sun shining down on me,
Illuminating my path
And showing off all of my victories.
Yet came nightfall; the ending of the day
Now alone I lay beneathe a slowly dying tree.

Through the barren branches
The moon’s cold light is all that shines down on me.

Oh cold moon, please watch over me
As I lay my weary limbs to rest
Beneath this slowly dying tree
Come morning I will rise again,
With all my strength renewed
‘til then I will allow myself
a single night’s recluse.

‘til sun rise I will let my defenses down
‘til morning light I will lay down my crown
Until tomorrow I will let my weakness reign
For tonight I have sleep to gain
My weary limbs will not take a step more
And my guiding light left me abandoned on the forest floor
So I lay down my head and close my eyes.

Through the barren branches
The moon’s cold light is all that shines down on me.

OBAMA WINS

EPIC WIN FOR DEMOCRATS AND LIBERALS EVERYWHERE! It seriously might have been the end of the world if someone as sickeningly conservative as Sarah Palin ended up in a seat of power. After listening to McCain's concession speech I realized that he truly was a good candidate. He would have been a good president. That does not change my disagreement with his ideal policies for the environment or our country in general, nor does it make me forgive him for selecting a gun-toting, ultra conservative, backwards idiot for his running mate.

Last night I watched the numbers come in at a party celebrating the end of the election as well as the 21st birthdays of two friends. It was a wonderful birthday present for those two to see their desired candidate elected.

Leaving the party I passed through Tappan Square. Several hundred students were screaming and dancing in their celebration. It was brisk and cool with a great many stars shining in the sky. Across the square I saw the crowd celebrating. They beat the drums with wild abandon as they chanted Obama's name and danced together under the crescent moon's pale light and the warm amber glow of the band stand's lights.

In that brief walk from my friend's apartment to my own dorm with the sounds of cheering filling the air and echoing from the surrounding buildings I was so happy. I'm sure I wore a contented smile for the entire walk home.

Life is great. Things are going to change.

Of course, then I got back to my room and had to finish my lab report before finally being able to sleep... but not even that could bring me down!

Sunsets

My room faces the west. As a result, in the mornings it stays cold for a really long time! However, that also means we get to see some spectacular sunsets. Those things just creep up on you! Here are a few pics to sunsets from my room, one today and one from several weeks ago.



It basically makes the cold worth it. Its nice to look up from my work and see something like that.

Heart Light- The Story Begins

Don’t scream.
Don’t cry.
The call will draw the Dark inside.
Hearts are such fragile things
That they will willingly go where the darkness reigns.
Should you cry in fright, shock or fear
When at last before you, your heart’s light appears
Into the darkness your heart will flee
And only darkness will come from where it used to be.
So don’t scream,
Don’t cry
No matter how much the light might sear your eyes,
For such a call will send away
The fragile light a heart emanates

Heart Light

Finding Your Inner Light. The title of the book in her hand was laughable in her opinion. The corny cover illustration of a glittery pink heart with what appeared to be laser beams shooting from it didn’t help to improve her opinion. “Why did I buy this?” she asks herself as she tosses the book onto the floor by her bed. She follows the same motion herself as she plops onto her mattress, inadvertently sending a throw pillow to join the book on the floor.

“Hey, Lesa?” the girl’s roommate asked from the neighboring bed.

“Hm?”

“I’m going to Jack’s place for a party, you want to come?”

“No, thanks.” Lesa responded as she crossed her arms to cradle to head. Her roommate tried for a few minutes to convince her otherwise, but ultimately Lesa found herself alone in her dorm room as the light in the room faded with the coming of night.

Lesa opted for staying alone this night so she could ponder the outcome of the workshop she had attended earlier that day after which she had purchased the book now residing on her floor. In the past months, she had taken to attending classes on spiritualism, religion and faith in an attempt to “find out what was missing in her life”. Her father had taken to harassing her about her lack of religion every call home, arguing that her dissatisfaction with the world had to result from her rejection of religion in her childhood. Indeed, not a power in existence was capable to convincing Lesa to go to church, not since her mother died. Finally her father had resorted to giving the okay on any and all religions, clubs, groups and whatever so long as she would stop being so darned negative about life. He was even paying for it.

The latest endeavor lead her into some New Age religions. The earlier workshop was lead by a grungy long haired man that seemed to have missed the hippy age. Not a thing he said made any sense to Lesa, yet she found herself purchasing his book after the class. In all likely-hood she was just using the book as an excuse to spend her dad’s money as payback for pushing her to attend such garbage. However, this same excuse would not explain why she found herself picking up the book and reading the first chapter. On the first page was a grim little poem about losing your heart to the darkness. Yet, despite her scoffs she found herself skipping through the book for more information.

“Wow,” she murmured to herself, “ ‘Power exists already within yourself, completely separate from whatever power and spiritual aid you might request from a greater power’. That’s a nice change from ‘ooh, our god is all powerful, and you are not, fear him!!!’” She giggled to herself. And so, she found herself become more and more intrigued to the point that after reading about finding your inner heart she thought, “Why not?” put the book back on the floor to try it.
She drew from her experience on mediation and shamanic journey’s from some other unfortunate religious endeavors in order to find inner peace and go to her inner world. It was really a lot like daydreaming.

She imagined herself leaving her body and wandering her room, her own personal safe space. The book had stated that to find your heart, you had to find the light within your inner world. So Lesa stood by her bed and looked around for a light. Surely a light would not be too hard to find, she thought, yet there was no light in sight. She left her dorm room to find herself in the hall of her home. At the end of the hall, the door to her childhood bedroom was ajar. She wandered into her old room and found everything as she used to have it in her childhood. But she saw no light.
In the corner facing the window was an antique armoire she had inherited from her grandmother. Thinking the light might be hidden in there, she opened it only to find the park where her mother took her to play as a child inside.

Things continued like this for sometime. Lesa ended up traversing not only her room and the park, but her parent’s room, the attic where she used to play dress-up with her mother’s old clothes, the forest where her family used to go camping every summer, her grandmother’s garden, etc, etc, but no where could she find her heart.

Eventually the girl gave up. She turned around to find her dorm room behind her. And right here, she found something suspicious. At the foot of her bed sat a chest that wasn’t supposed to be there. It was her mother’s old chest where she stored her books and drawings, souvenirs and pictures from her childhood. That chest used to sit in the corner of the office, but after she died, her father had moved it into a dark corner of the attic. Lesa hadn’t seen the thing in years. The floor creaked beneath her feet as she crept towards the chest. She dropped to her knees before it and carefully unlocked it and pulled the lid up. Inside there were pictures of her and her mother together before her mother had gotten sick; pictures from years ago. But there was a bit of golden light peaking out from beneath a picture of her mother and her at a festival.

She moved the picture aside, and there, glowing like a star was an orb of golden light. It’s light was warm on her face. Looking at it felt like laying under the sun on a warm spring day. It’s so bright, I bet it is hot, Lesa thought, and with that thought in mind she extended her hand towards it to hesitantly brush her fingers against its surface. It was hot alright, touching it felt like sticking your hand into a fire, and as she touched it, the light had flared, burning her eyes.

She screamed.

And the pain was gone. She opened her eyes, yet she saw nothing. “Oh god, I went blind from looking into my heart.” If she were not halfway to hysterics she probably would have laughed at the thought. But alas, she couldn’t see her hand in front of her face, and that is a very sobering concept.

Recent Works

It's been a while....again. I have a few new works and one big work in progress. Here are the new poems. The last is the intro to a short story I am working on. Enjoy!

Rune Incantation

Fire, Water, Air and Earth;
Those are the forces that to these stones gave birth.
Those same forces are alive in me,
With out power shared, let us see.
Divine the future,
Explain the past,
Let the answers lie in these runes cast.
Earth and Sky, Sun and Moon
Reveal this to me as your boon.



Damn, I'm Beautiful

Sometimes I’m not enough
To satisfy myself.
Who’s that girl in the picture?
Surely I’m not her?

Sometimes I think I’m fat,
Sometimes I think I’m short,
Sometimes I wonder who I am,
And in the mirror, who is that?

Standing next to my peers,
I feel inferior,
Looking so beautiful, so fair,
I fear I don’t compare.

I wonder if I see myself
For how I truly am?
Or is my image of myself
Skewed by some mental scam?

Sometimes I don’t like myself
And I wish that I would change
Sometimes I know for sure I should
But don’t know where to begin.

But then sometimes, late at night
I stretch before the mirror—
And smile a very satisfied smile
Before playing with my hair,

Because alone at night
The girl I see
By the bathroom’s light
Is the woman I want to be.

Such full breasts—
What sensual curves—
Dark but vibrant eyes
And rich voluminous hair,

At such times as these,
I really can’t help but think,
Despite my daytime insecurities,
“Damn, I’m beautiful.”


Don't scream. Don't cry.

Don’t scream.
Don’t cry.
The call will draw the Dark inside.
Hearts are such fragile things
That they will willingly go where the darkness reigns.
Should you cry in fright, shock or fear
When at last before you, your heart’s light appears
Into the darkness your heart will flee
And only darkness will come from where it used to be.
So don’t scream,
Don’t cry
No matter how much the light might sear your eyes,
For such a call will send away
The fragile light a heart emanates.



Hang tight for the ensuing short story!

2/3s of the way through the summer

Its the last day of July, my summer vacation is 2/3 over and I don't have much to show for it. Well, a trip to Japan, that's quite a bit to show for it, but aside from that, not much. I don't have steady work, so I am dirt poor. I can't get steady work because I don't have a car. I don't know if I mentioned this before, but my uncle wrecked my car while he was still living with us. As a result of that and our own lack of money, I don't have a car to call my own. Therefore, my ability to leave the house is controlled by the availability of my parents. I had wanted to go to the gym on a regular basis to get into shape. Too bad the gym is a ten minute drive away. My work-out schedule is thus governed by how tired my mom is after coming home from work. That sucks a lot. I am officially bored of being home and I am fully ready to go back to school where I can work, study and work out at my leisure because everything is in walking distance.

My unproductive summer can be blamed on my bad luck (fired from movie theater on a misunderstanding of words and not having a steady job at my back-up because my mom's boss told them I would be in Japan in the summer, so they hired somebody else!!! My only work for the summer comes from organizing this woman's house for her!) and on the lay-out of suburbia. Damn you Suburbia!! Because of you I can't go anywhere but Walgreens without use of a car. You are bad for the environment and you ruin my life! Damn you to hell!

I am very ready to go back to school. I have also had very little social contact this summer. Most of my friends are taking summer classes. (I couldn't take summer courses even if I needed to because I can't afford them. I'm maxed out on financial aid) The two friends that aren't out of town on vacation or at school work 9-5 every day because they have steady work! What the hell? I mean really! What the hell did I ever do to anybody to deserve this luck? I could of sworn I was a decent person!

ugh...