Spring Break!!

....is over.....

Well damn it all. I'm back at a school and currently cleaning up my room. Moving back in, no matter for how briefly I was gone always results in a mess of a room. I always come back with more stuff than I left with, that and I really do fail at packing light. I have an excuse this time though! I was out of quarters and I needed to do laundry, so I brought it all home.

Before going home I went to Chicago! Chicago was freaking awesome! I went with my friend Lissa and we saw the sights. We couldn't really do any hardcore partying or bar hopping, not that either of us are really the type, but we wanted to try it out. Anyway, we couldn't since I am still underage. But not for long! Less than a month and I turn 21! But damn there is a lot standing in the way before then. So much work, several exams, planning Beltaine, a huge group project, Calculus ( Calculus is in the way of everything, always) all stand in the way before my birthday finally arrives. Its the big 21, too!

I'm a little depressed again. You know, I was kind of depressed before my 18th as well. I guess its just such a big date. I mean, I can't tell myself I'm a kid anymore after 21. I don't know if I am ready for it. I feel like I should goof off and be immature before it comes, but I can't really bring myself to. I like being alone in my room, I like reading in my spare time, and really, all my social goof off time is D&D and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. (I mean really, I have totally become a geek...I blame society sucking so much) I have all of one good close friend here at Oberlin and very little desire to socialize more. I wonder if I will regret this later? I kind of regret it now.

Thing is, I have found, and this is not really a new development, its just bothering me more, that I don't really like the people at Oberlin. I mean, I like the sense of community, I like that people are out there and liberal, and I totally love the campus, but the people as individuals don't impress me. They all seem immature to me, being weird for weirdness's sake and not because they are individualistic. I mean, they are all weird in the same damn way! And I don't fit in. And this is mostly my fault and I mostly don't care. I refuse to change myself, whether it is to become more liberal or more conservative just so I can fit in. I refuse to doll myself up to get a guy (not that there are many guys worth getting). I refuse to be vegetarian and that is FINAL. I love meat. I will kill something and eat it myself because that is the way things are supposed to be and I will not change my eating habits just because I am an environmental studies major! I know eating meat is bad for the environment, but not eating meat is bad for me. My god, I get so pissy, down and downright unpleasant to be around when I am denied my meat. So, I WILL NOT GO VEGETARIAN DAMNIT!

Sigh, anyway, I just needed to get that out of my chest. And I don't know why, but I have this weird sense that something drastic is going to happen to me, I don't know what, but I just feel like something is coming and that it really needs to happen. It might be miserable, I might get sick, I might get injured, but it needs to happen. I mean, I have had dreams since late in high school where something drastic happens and I transform as a person. I call these my chrysalis dreams. I have been having them a lot recently as well as quite a few more nightmares than usual. I can't help but feel that something is coming. I am just hoping that it all turns out well in the end.

Somethings just need to be written down....

It's been a while...again..... How about that?

I had a terrifying dream last night. To the extent that is must be written down.

The part of the dream I recall separates easily into two parts. The first starts scary, but ends okay, the second, the terror strikes out of now where....and it left me in a bad place for the entirety of the day.

In the first part of the dream I was at my friend Lissa's house. There was over a foot of snow on the ground and I wanted nothing more than to go out and play in it. Lissa had an errand to run, so she left, telling me she would be back soon. I went out to play in the snow. I sat down in the snow in front of her house, throwing snow into the air to rain down on me and what not. it didn't take long before I noticed two men in an old beat up black mustang watching me. I could tell they were bad news. I quickly got up to run back inside Lissa's house. I saw them get out of their car and follow. I locked the front door behind me, one of the men had run up the steps behind me and was banging on the door.

I stepped away from the door. Of course, then I realize that the back door is open. I look towards the back of the house in time to see the other man entering. I charged over to him yelling, "Get out!! Get out now!"

The guy smiled at me as he ran his fingers over the dining room table, "Why? We could have so much fun."

I glowered back at him, "No, we can't. Now, GET OUT!" I shoved him back out the back door with all my strength, realizing in the back of my mind how dangerous it was to be so close to the intruder.

It all turned out okay, I shoved him outside only to see that the police were already here (I never called them...) and Lissa was just arriving back with her boyfriend.

From there, there is a transition into the second part of the dream. I notice her dog Ari, a beagle, and another beagle which I find to be Ari's sister. In the dream Ari was younger than in life. She looked little more than a year or so old. Anyway, with the conflict ended, Lissa recommended we go on an adventure of sorts. I notice the horse's she had brought. I readily accepted th proposition for an adventure. We mounted the horses, Lissa, her boyfriend and I and sped away from her home into the woods (that don't actually exist there in life...) with the beagles leading the way.

I couldn't help but laugh at the way Ari and her sister's ear flapped as they ran.

After a spirited gallop into the wilderness we came upon a clearing. We stopped. We soon realized that the air was heavy, something was wrong. We dismounted the horses to look around. The clearing looked somewhat like the clearing in the arb in town.

Out of the tree line came a man. He wore long robes and emanated a feeling of power. The dogs cowered at our feet. The man came walking towards us muttering, "I finally found you, you are all mine...." The grin on his face was unsettling at best.

Lissa yelled at him to stay away but he just kept on approaching. When she tried to move, she realized that she couldn't. None of us could, we were frozen in place, unable to flee, protest of defend ourselves. The man stalked right up to me and gently stroked my cheek. I couldn't move, but I felt myself shiver. "Mine"

"Stay away from her!" Lissa screamed.

"No." With that, he reached into a sleeve or pocket, and pulled out what looked like an open thin metal hoop. He reached it up to my face and pierced each end of the hoop into my dimples. then he connected a fine metal chain to each end where it connected to my face that lead down to a leather dog collar he secured on my neck. From the outside I saw myself as an old woman, the hoop connected to my dimples forcing my wrinkled face into a creepy fake smile. The man then hooked a leash onto my collar and began to walk away. From the outside I saw him leading the old lady me away, I looked like I would willingly follow him off a cliff. I wanted to scream, I wanted to pull away, but I could do nothing.

Lissa had turned into an old woman too, but her voice remained the same as she screamed for the man to let me go, but she couldn't move.

The man lead me to a picnic table on the other side of the clearing where he directed me to sit across from him. He sat as well. He placed his chin in his hands and gazed happily at me. I saw Lissa walk towards us. It seems she and her bf had been released. The sat next to me. She moved to grab me, but the man crackled with dangerous energy and jerked at my leash when she did, so she stopped. She turned towards the man, her hands folded on the table. She stated calmly now, "let her go."

"no, she's mine."

"No, she's not. You can't have her."

"She's mine! You can't take her back. I won't let you take her away from me!"

For a brief moment I felt like we were role-playing. I imagined myself curled up on the seat, smiling when Lissa approached, playing my hero. Then I realized that I couldn't smile, I couldn't move. I had no free will. All I could do was watch and smile that creepy unnatural smile. I was however no longer an old woman, I was now in the form of my teenage self sitting erect, hands crossed on my lap, gazing into the man's eyes.

"You can't protect her, so you can't keep her." Lissa insisted.

It was then I noticed these little humanoid, dark skinned shapes crawling in mass from teh surrounding forest. They couldn't be more than 8 - 10 inches tall each, but they moved fast, and unnaturally. All of their digits ended in claws. Sharp fangs protruded from malformed little faces. "Let her go"

"NO! SHE'S MINE!"

Then as if watching from the outside, I see the creatures swarm towards the table and leap onto me. They leap onto my back and begin clawing away, ripping into my clothes and flesh. They try to attack Lissa and the man, but those two , but they are able to more and defend themselves. Lissa tries to get the creatures off of me, but the man stops her. "You have to let me help her!"

"NO, She's mine."

"But you can't protect her. If you can't protect her, you cannot have her. Let her go!"

The man is desperate, unable to fight off all the gremlins attacking him, let alone me. His eyes are wide, wild, yet he won't allow Lissa to touch me. All the while the gremlins rip into me. I am now crouched with my head on the table, my back hunched. My face never changes. I want to scream, I want to fight. I know that if I but had free will I could extend my own power and eliminate these monsters all at once, but I have no power, not even over myself.

"LET HER GO!!"

"NO!!"








I wake disturbed, anxious. I never regained my free will before I woke. Was I saved? Did he let me go? I don't know. I was so out of it today. I felt sluggish, kind of like I was still not in full control of my own limbs. It took hours for the terror and anxiousness from that dream to fade.

I just had to write this down... somethings just need to be written down.

Mutant Kitten!

I had one hell of a weird dream last night. The part I remember most that led to me jerking awake at some ungodly time of the morning went like this.

I was just exiting my dorm. Outside it was sunny with clear blue skies. The leaves on the trees were still vivid and bright oranges and reds, but there was also a plethora of leaves on the ground blowing with the wind. As I stepped out of the back door of my dorm I saw something on the ground nearby. At first I didn't know what it was. It was small, only slightly bigger then my fist and flesh colored. It looked like skin.

Upon closer inspection I was horrified. It was a raw skinned pile of flesh, and that is all. However, before my very eyes, it began to differentiate, I began to be able to see limbs and a little tail. And slowly, fine white fur began to grow from the skin. It was a kitten. A hideously bald fleshy mutant white kitten.

At first the fur was patchy and thin, but once again, before my very eyes the fur grew thicker, although the thing still looked scraggly as all hell. I was convinced of what it was, or at least what it had turned into when it finally moved and released a tiny heart-wrenching "mew."

For a moment I wondered if I should take it to a shelter. I worried though that if I took it the mother cat wouldn't be able to find it. What if the mom was coming back. Of course, then it occurred to me no mom cat would likely come given I just saw this kitten form from a pile of flesh.

Finally I made my decision, I would take the thing to the vet in town to get it checked out so it can go to a home. I couldn't leave it here, it would die from exposure or something would come to eat it, and I couldn't very well stand watch over it forever. Decision made I approached the thing and carefully picked it up. It was so tiny in my arms!

Now with the mutant kitten cradled in my arms, I rose and turned around to begin walking towards the vet. I hadn't gone even a step before I stopped. There hovering in the air right in front of my face, not even a full foot away, was a crow. Terror gripped me. This crow was completely black, black feathers, black beak, and beady black eyes (like most crows) but its wings were not beating. The crow hovered in the air, wings outstretched, beak held open, but unmoving.

I held my breath as I saw the bird's eyes move to focus on the kitten in my arms. Suddenly it let out a loud cry and dove forwards. I barely had time to duck. But I managed and it flew over my head. I turned to keep it in sight only to see an entire flock of crows filling the sky. Where I couldn't before, now I could hear a horrible cacaphone of sound as they all cried out and began swarming towards me. I ran.

The scene shifts to the waiting room of a veterinary clinic. There my brother and dad and some other men I don't know were waiting for me. My brother was wondering what was taking me so long? And why did I ask them to meet me there? Suddenly someone was banging on the doors. One of the other men opened the door and I came barreling inside. I was bleeding from various cuts and my light jacket was torn in multiple places with blood seeping out from underneathe, revealing the wounds.

"What happened?"

"I was attacked."

"By who?" My brother asked, then added, "What is that?"

He was referring to the fugly scraggly still partially bald things in my arms. "It's a kitten" I respond.

He gave me a look that screamed, "Oh, really?"

I continued, "The birds are trying to kill it?"

The guys went on to question me as to why I would put myself out there for an ugly little kitten. I thought about it. Somehow, I just knew that this thing was going to be something beautiful, it was going to blossom into a gorgeous cat, but those birds would kill it before it ever had the chance if I didn't protect it.

I never got a chance to say such, at that moment a bird flew full force into the glass portion of the door behind me. It fractured. I turned to look outside. The sky was dark from the hundreds of crows filling the sky. We were surrounded. I saw another bird come flying towards the window. If it hit, I was sure the window would shatter. I held the kitten in my arms protectively, it mewed in protest. The crow came closer and closer. Just as it was going to hit the glass I woke up.

I don't know why, but I have a really strong feeling that this dream is telling me something about my life right now. Something along the lines that I am the one protecting a hideous something or other that others would abandon because I can see the potential in it. Without my protection, something bad would happen to it. I think the something might be a person that I know others have given up on and now think is a bad person, an I also suspect this person needs protection and guidance. I can't help but wonder if this dream is about that situation with the person in my real life.

All that shines on me

Come nightfall—
Come the ending of the day—
I’ve lost the light to lead me on my way.
With dusk my strength fails me
And a great weakness grips my limbs
So that all I can do is take a few staggering steps
To lay beneath this slowly dying tree.

Through the barren branches
The moon’s cold light is all that shines down on me.

When did this battle become too much to bear?
So much that at day’s end I collapse without a care?
I once had the sun shining down on me,
Illuminating my path
And showing off all of my victories.
Yet came nightfall; the ending of the day
Now alone I lay beneathe a slowly dying tree.

Through the barren branches
The moon’s cold light is all that shines down on me.

Oh cold moon, please watch over me
As I lay my weary limbs to rest
Beneath this slowly dying tree
Come morning I will rise again,
With all my strength renewed
‘til then I will allow myself
a single night’s recluse.

‘til sun rise I will let my defenses down
‘til morning light I will lay down my crown
Until tomorrow I will let my weakness reign
For tonight I have sleep to gain
My weary limbs will not take a step more
And my guiding light left me abandoned on the forest floor
So I lay down my head and close my eyes.

Through the barren branches
The moon’s cold light is all that shines down on me.

OBAMA WINS

EPIC WIN FOR DEMOCRATS AND LIBERALS EVERYWHERE! It seriously might have been the end of the world if someone as sickeningly conservative as Sarah Palin ended up in a seat of power. After listening to McCain's concession speech I realized that he truly was a good candidate. He would have been a good president. That does not change my disagreement with his ideal policies for the environment or our country in general, nor does it make me forgive him for selecting a gun-toting, ultra conservative, backwards idiot for his running mate.

Last night I watched the numbers come in at a party celebrating the end of the election as well as the 21st birthdays of two friends. It was a wonderful birthday present for those two to see their desired candidate elected.

Leaving the party I passed through Tappan Square. Several hundred students were screaming and dancing in their celebration. It was brisk and cool with a great many stars shining in the sky. Across the square I saw the crowd celebrating. They beat the drums with wild abandon as they chanted Obama's name and danced together under the crescent moon's pale light and the warm amber glow of the band stand's lights.

In that brief walk from my friend's apartment to my own dorm with the sounds of cheering filling the air and echoing from the surrounding buildings I was so happy. I'm sure I wore a contented smile for the entire walk home.

Life is great. Things are going to change.

Of course, then I got back to my room and had to finish my lab report before finally being able to sleep... but not even that could bring me down!

Sunsets

My room faces the west. As a result, in the mornings it stays cold for a really long time! However, that also means we get to see some spectacular sunsets. Those things just creep up on you! Here are a few pics to sunsets from my room, one today and one from several weeks ago.



It basically makes the cold worth it. Its nice to look up from my work and see something like that.

Heart Light- The Story Begins

Don’t scream.
Don’t cry.
The call will draw the Dark inside.
Hearts are such fragile things
That they will willingly go where the darkness reigns.
Should you cry in fright, shock or fear
When at last before you, your heart’s light appears
Into the darkness your heart will flee
And only darkness will come from where it used to be.
So don’t scream,
Don’t cry
No matter how much the light might sear your eyes,
For such a call will send away
The fragile light a heart emanates

Heart Light

Finding Your Inner Light. The title of the book in her hand was laughable in her opinion. The corny cover illustration of a glittery pink heart with what appeared to be laser beams shooting from it didn’t help to improve her opinion. “Why did I buy this?” she asks herself as she tosses the book onto the floor by her bed. She follows the same motion herself as she plops onto her mattress, inadvertently sending a throw pillow to join the book on the floor.

“Hey, Lesa?” the girl’s roommate asked from the neighboring bed.

“Hm?”

“I’m going to Jack’s place for a party, you want to come?”

“No, thanks.” Lesa responded as she crossed her arms to cradle to head. Her roommate tried for a few minutes to convince her otherwise, but ultimately Lesa found herself alone in her dorm room as the light in the room faded with the coming of night.

Lesa opted for staying alone this night so she could ponder the outcome of the workshop she had attended earlier that day after which she had purchased the book now residing on her floor. In the past months, she had taken to attending classes on spiritualism, religion and faith in an attempt to “find out what was missing in her life”. Her father had taken to harassing her about her lack of religion every call home, arguing that her dissatisfaction with the world had to result from her rejection of religion in her childhood. Indeed, not a power in existence was capable to convincing Lesa to go to church, not since her mother died. Finally her father had resorted to giving the okay on any and all religions, clubs, groups and whatever so long as she would stop being so darned negative about life. He was even paying for it.

The latest endeavor lead her into some New Age religions. The earlier workshop was lead by a grungy long haired man that seemed to have missed the hippy age. Not a thing he said made any sense to Lesa, yet she found herself purchasing his book after the class. In all likely-hood she was just using the book as an excuse to spend her dad’s money as payback for pushing her to attend such garbage. However, this same excuse would not explain why she found herself picking up the book and reading the first chapter. On the first page was a grim little poem about losing your heart to the darkness. Yet, despite her scoffs she found herself skipping through the book for more information.

“Wow,” she murmured to herself, “ ‘Power exists already within yourself, completely separate from whatever power and spiritual aid you might request from a greater power’. That’s a nice change from ‘ooh, our god is all powerful, and you are not, fear him!!!’” She giggled to herself. And so, she found herself become more and more intrigued to the point that after reading about finding your inner heart she thought, “Why not?” put the book back on the floor to try it.
She drew from her experience on mediation and shamanic journey’s from some other unfortunate religious endeavors in order to find inner peace and go to her inner world. It was really a lot like daydreaming.

She imagined herself leaving her body and wandering her room, her own personal safe space. The book had stated that to find your heart, you had to find the light within your inner world. So Lesa stood by her bed and looked around for a light. Surely a light would not be too hard to find, she thought, yet there was no light in sight. She left her dorm room to find herself in the hall of her home. At the end of the hall, the door to her childhood bedroom was ajar. She wandered into her old room and found everything as she used to have it in her childhood. But she saw no light.
In the corner facing the window was an antique armoire she had inherited from her grandmother. Thinking the light might be hidden in there, she opened it only to find the park where her mother took her to play as a child inside.

Things continued like this for sometime. Lesa ended up traversing not only her room and the park, but her parent’s room, the attic where she used to play dress-up with her mother’s old clothes, the forest where her family used to go camping every summer, her grandmother’s garden, etc, etc, but no where could she find her heart.

Eventually the girl gave up. She turned around to find her dorm room behind her. And right here, she found something suspicious. At the foot of her bed sat a chest that wasn’t supposed to be there. It was her mother’s old chest where she stored her books and drawings, souvenirs and pictures from her childhood. That chest used to sit in the corner of the office, but after she died, her father had moved it into a dark corner of the attic. Lesa hadn’t seen the thing in years. The floor creaked beneath her feet as she crept towards the chest. She dropped to her knees before it and carefully unlocked it and pulled the lid up. Inside there were pictures of her and her mother together before her mother had gotten sick; pictures from years ago. But there was a bit of golden light peaking out from beneath a picture of her mother and her at a festival.

She moved the picture aside, and there, glowing like a star was an orb of golden light. It’s light was warm on her face. Looking at it felt like laying under the sun on a warm spring day. It’s so bright, I bet it is hot, Lesa thought, and with that thought in mind she extended her hand towards it to hesitantly brush her fingers against its surface. It was hot alright, touching it felt like sticking your hand into a fire, and as she touched it, the light had flared, burning her eyes.

She screamed.

And the pain was gone. She opened her eyes, yet she saw nothing. “Oh god, I went blind from looking into my heart.” If she were not halfway to hysterics she probably would have laughed at the thought. But alas, she couldn’t see her hand in front of her face, and that is a very sobering concept.