Ah, I almost forgot! I wrote this early this week and posted it on my DeviantArt but forgot to post it here! I came up for the inspiration for this while walking home to Baldwin late at night. There were lots of lights, more so than the usual excessive number of lampposts and what not because of Drag Ball. I was feeling periody, so I didn't go this year (not that I have ever gone before, but I actually wanted to this time!). That and tickets were $15 dollars and I am dirt poor. But I got a job for Commencement weekend and I am applying to work over the summer at Oberlin so that I can earn money if I don't get the REU I applied to (REU stands for Research Experience for Undergraduates; I applied to two different programs and have already been rejected from my first choice. :'( )
Here the poem!
Shadows
Street lights casting shadows
Of my form on the street—
For every light, another shadow
Darkens the ground at my feet.
There’s another cast from the storefront,
From the light pouring outside—
And a fleeting one for the moment
That the car’s headlight passed me by.
All these shadows on the ground,
Cast from all these lights out on the street—
All these shadows that surround
Are like another view of me.
So of all the shadows which pass me by,
As I walk this lonely path at night,
Which one can I say is I
When the shadow is different under different light?
And as I walk shadows disappear
As I leave each streetlight behind—
And ever new ones appear
For every lamppost I come to find.
All the shadows are different colors,
All different shades of grey,
Offset by the golden pallor
That arises with the passing of the day.
As I walk, I ponder.
And my shadows selves darken and fade—
And farther from civilization I wander
As the time grows ever more late
Just beyond the city limits
Where the night sky changes from red to blue,
The unnatural warm glow from electric lights
Gives way to natures true nightly hue.
With moonlight and star shine
The only source of light in sight,
I’ve but one dark shadow mine
Cast by Luna’s natural silver light.
In the night’s darkness I stand
And I can’t help but think—
There I am!
At my moon reflection at my feet.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Confession
I have a confession to make....
I have been turned to the dark side, I have started role-playing. Well, actually, I joined the group that I role-play with in December, so this is not a new development. Lissa invited me to join her role-playing group in a Dungeons and Dragons game lead by her boyfriend Andy at their house every Friday night. Also in the group in their friend Tony (whom I hung out with a few times out side of D&D to see if we might want a relationship. I ended up telling him I'd rather not date at the moment)
So, back in December I observed for one night as they started the very first day of the campaign (that's what they call this individual game of D&D as opposed to the game that might be played by another group) The group in the game consisted of four characters. Lissa's character is a bad-ass petite red-headed warrior elf that joined this group in hopes of discovering lost elven treasure. She joined because Jared, an old man(played by Andy) had a map to a lost elven city he wanted to go investigate. With the old man was a younger man named Roderick, a blond warrior monk that didn't talk much at all. Finally, there was the construct. A construct is kind of like an android, except run by magic, I'm still a little iffy on the details, but this construct (played by Tony) had a soul, and could walk, talk, and think for himself (as opposed to being controlled by the mage that constructed him). It turns out he came from an alternate plane, but he doesn't remember how he came to this plane. He joins the group so that he can travel and hopefully find out where he came from. He eventually gives himself a name--Valar. On that first night, this somewhat dysfunctional team joined together for the first time and followed the map to a lost elven city, which just so happened to be a lost elven city of the elves that went bad. The elves of this city worshipped a dark goddess and were exiled. They were known as the Drow.
Well, they go to the city, not knowing the evil that lies in wait, and accidentally unleash the ultimate evil, a dark god of the Drow, from his prison deep within the city.
villages out in the middle of nowhere that had managed to become somewhat twisted in time. Twisted to the point that she was about to be forced to marry a known murderer because her father, the village head, wanted the man for his son. It all seems pretty fun from where I sat, so the next week I came back and joined the group. I created my character. My character is Yana Elkwood, a runaway druid from a cluster of druidicYana fled, and after discovering that her father and fiance had sent out bounty hunters to bring her back, she was advised to find a group to travel with. That way she would stay moving around, making it more difficult for any bounty hunters to catch up with her. Also, hopefully she could learn over time to fight and use her druid magic so that she could defend herself alone in the future.
So there is Yana, young, at 17, and somewhat naive to the ways of the world. She finds the burned skull of a werewolf (guess who killed it) in the remains of a campfire out in the wilderness. She follows the tracks of the wagon leading away from the camp. Those tracks lead her to the new camp of the merry dysfunctional group of travelers just outside of the a dense forest that hides the lost elven city. The camp is rather somber (what with them having just unleashed an evil god upon the world, they have good reason, not that Yana knows that...) Her animal companion, a pine marten named Zor she had raised herself after she found it orphaned outside of her village, informed her that they all seemed to be good people. Yana made an executive decision and revealed herself from the shadows so that she could introduce herself. It was an awkward meeting, but she was accepted easily enough after she offered to help heal them (the group was pretty beat up from fighting evil gods and other unsightly things in the elven city).
Yana travels with the group back to the capital. It must have only been the first night back in the capital that Yana heard Roderick slip out of his room in the inn late at night. She decided to follow him. He is fast, but she keeps up. Turns out Roderick has a hobby. His hobby is killing bad guys. Yana hears a conflict form the alley Roderick disappeared into. When she looks into the alley, Roderick is gone, two men are dead and a third is barely alive. Yana heals the injured man, then returns to the inn.
This event sets the color of Yana's relationship with Roderick. She is pretty much terrified of him, even after he says that he only kills bad people. I mean, what if he thinks she is bad? She broke the laws of her village by fleeing her marriage, and she stole from her father. It certainly didn't help that Yana had a very unfortunate talent at finding the bodies of Roderick's victims no matter how well he hid them. She doesn't even try, they are just always there.
Doesn't this sound like fun? I'm not a geek right? .....ah shut up.
Anyway, the game progressed, the group was sent to an alternate plane to retrieve a sword that had that ability to kill a god. Things happen: Talia accidentally kills the witch, a teenage girl that went a little overboard trying to get revenge for her mother's unrightful execution years before by destroying the city and then bringing her mother back to life; Yana asks Roderick to take care of an interrogation only to discover that Roderick had tortured the man to the point that the man took his own life after giving Roderick the information he sought (Roderick broke all of the man's limbs then left him with a knife so that he could end his own life. He then had the gall to tell Yana, who had since realized what a terrible mistake it was to leave Roderick in charge of the interrogation, that no, he had not killed the man); etc, etc.
Last night, things were settling down. We luckily had a few days to rest up and train before we tried to find a way to overthrow a tyrant. However, we needed to stay low. Magic was outlawed in this city, and the tyrant was searching for the sword that we had. Talia (who has been showing more and more evidence of becoming an alcoholic as the game progressed; what with the guilt of unleashing the elves' evil god, killing the girl she felt didn't deserve to die for her crime and ultimately having nothing to look forward to but her execution by her people after she fixes her mistake, that is if she can) and Roderick go drinking in the inn we are staying in. Now, Talia has the constitution of a freaking giant. She drinks poison and survives. Roderick is a different story. It doesn't help that they choose to drink the strongest of the liquor available, Corvis Spirits.
At this point, it is important to know that Yana and Roderick have talked, Yana stills feels that Roderick is kind of crazy, but she understands that she is safe around him. It is also important to know that Roderick has a ring, a very special ring that lets him basically teleport (Yana does not like that he has that ring at all).
Corvis Spirits are called that for a reason, it turns out that this drink is so strong, it makes people see spirits, or hallucinate. Too bad Roderick has a guilty conscience from all of the people he has killed. He looses it when he starts seeing spirits. He activates his ring and starts trying to chase and fight the spirits he saw, leaving a path of carnage in his wake. Talia then puts on her ring of invisibility in hopes of going out into the city unseen, but still drunk.
Yana had come downstairs in time to witness the two in their drunken stupor and wonder to herself why she traveled with the group. Then she sees Roderick disappear. "Oh shit!"
First Yana tries to get Talia to stay behind in the inn, but fails. Thankfully, Talia manages to overcome her drunkenness ( that is she throws up all over the inn floor and asks what is going on), and the inn keeper demands that Talia return to her room. Yana thinks she leaves Talia there as she heads into the city after Roderick, but Talia sneaks out. Valar and Jared stay behind in the inn.
There is more craziness, and a path of carnage to follow. Roderick burns out the ring and looses the ability to transport, but not before he transports himself into the headquarters of a guild hideout. Yana finds him first, but can't calm him. He is fighting real people thinking he is fighting spirits. She settles for helping him fight, in hopes of eliminating the threat around him so she can try to calm him down again. Talia arrives and joins in the fight.
That failed, the guild leader shot Roderick with poison arrows, bringing him down. He then brought our whole group before him and told us that we had to infiltrate another guild's hideout and get back his kidnapped daughter as payment for the damage to his property and the lives of the men Roderick had killed.
So much for time to train in hiding. If we failed in this mission, we would all be killed. Yana is not in the least bit happy with Roderick. She's not particularly happy with Talia either, but Roderick is the one that got them into all of the trouble. They get Roderick to an abandoned house where the group then tries to take care of him. Talia is insistent that they remove the ring from Roderick's hand. Yana goes to heal him, starting with removing the ring but I fail the dice roll. I roll a one, and Yana ends up taking off Roderick's finger along with the ring. She freaks, throwing the finger into the air. Talia catches it, carves the ring from it with her dagger, the realigns it with Roderick's hand and tells Yana to heal it. Yana does, the finger reattaches.
It was so stressful! I play a game for fun and end up doing all of that! The morning was the best. Yana wakes last, but bitch-slaps Roderick as soon as she does wake up. Roderick gets caught up on the situation, and feeling terribly guilty asks, "When will you let me die?"
Yana responds venomously, "No, you won't die, I will heal you every time." This as opposed to earlier in the game after finding that Roderick had tortured the man she asked him to interrogate where she had told him she wouldn't heal him anymore.
Talia continues giving him a run down on everything that happened and that must now be done to repay damages. Yana makes sure to interject when Talia only says that they healed his finger, "Oh, and don't forget about the part where I took off his finger. That was great."
Yeah, that was great.
We stopped playing around 5:30 AM.
I have been turned to the dark side, I have started role-playing. Well, actually, I joined the group that I role-play with in December, so this is not a new development. Lissa invited me to join her role-playing group in a Dungeons and Dragons game lead by her boyfriend Andy at their house every Friday night. Also in the group in their friend Tony (whom I hung out with a few times out side of D&D to see if we might want a relationship. I ended up telling him I'd rather not date at the moment)
So, back in December I observed for one night as they started the very first day of the campaign (that's what they call this individual game of D&D as opposed to the game that might be played by another group) The group in the game consisted of four characters. Lissa's character is a bad-ass petite red-headed warrior elf that joined this group in hopes of discovering lost elven treasure. She joined because Jared, an old man(played by Andy) had a map to a lost elven city he wanted to go investigate. With the old man was a younger man named Roderick, a blond warrior monk that didn't talk much at all. Finally, there was the construct. A construct is kind of like an android, except run by magic, I'm still a little iffy on the details, but this construct (played by Tony) had a soul, and could walk, talk, and think for himself (as opposed to being controlled by the mage that constructed him). It turns out he came from an alternate plane, but he doesn't remember how he came to this plane. He joins the group so that he can travel and hopefully find out where he came from. He eventually gives himself a name--Valar. On that first night, this somewhat dysfunctional team joined together for the first time and followed the map to a lost elven city, which just so happened to be a lost elven city of the elves that went bad. The elves of this city worshipped a dark goddess and were exiled. They were known as the Drow.
Well, they go to the city, not knowing the evil that lies in wait, and accidentally unleash the ultimate evil, a dark god of the Drow, from his prison deep within the city.
villages out in the middle of nowhere that had managed to become somewhat twisted in time. Twisted to the point that she was about to be forced to marry a known murderer because her father, the village head, wanted the man for his son. It all seems pretty fun from where I sat, so the next week I came back and joined the group. I created my character. My character is Yana Elkwood, a runaway druid from a cluster of druidicYana fled, and after discovering that her father and fiance had sent out bounty hunters to bring her back, she was advised to find a group to travel with. That way she would stay moving around, making it more difficult for any bounty hunters to catch up with her. Also, hopefully she could learn over time to fight and use her druid magic so that she could defend herself alone in the future.
So there is Yana, young, at 17, and somewhat naive to the ways of the world. She finds the burned skull of a werewolf (guess who killed it) in the remains of a campfire out in the wilderness. She follows the tracks of the wagon leading away from the camp. Those tracks lead her to the new camp of the merry dysfunctional group of travelers just outside of the a dense forest that hides the lost elven city. The camp is rather somber (what with them having just unleashed an evil god upon the world, they have good reason, not that Yana knows that...) Her animal companion, a pine marten named Zor she had raised herself after she found it orphaned outside of her village, informed her that they all seemed to be good people. Yana made an executive decision and revealed herself from the shadows so that she could introduce herself. It was an awkward meeting, but she was accepted easily enough after she offered to help heal them (the group was pretty beat up from fighting evil gods and other unsightly things in the elven city).
Yana travels with the group back to the capital. It must have only been the first night back in the capital that Yana heard Roderick slip out of his room in the inn late at night. She decided to follow him. He is fast, but she keeps up. Turns out Roderick has a hobby. His hobby is killing bad guys. Yana hears a conflict form the alley Roderick disappeared into. When she looks into the alley, Roderick is gone, two men are dead and a third is barely alive. Yana heals the injured man, then returns to the inn.
This event sets the color of Yana's relationship with Roderick. She is pretty much terrified of him, even after he says that he only kills bad people. I mean, what if he thinks she is bad? She broke the laws of her village by fleeing her marriage, and she stole from her father. It certainly didn't help that Yana had a very unfortunate talent at finding the bodies of Roderick's victims no matter how well he hid them. She doesn't even try, they are just always there.
Doesn't this sound like fun? I'm not a geek right? .....ah shut up.
Anyway, the game progressed, the group was sent to an alternate plane to retrieve a sword that had that ability to kill a god. Things happen: Talia accidentally kills the witch, a teenage girl that went a little overboard trying to get revenge for her mother's unrightful execution years before by destroying the city and then bringing her mother back to life; Yana asks Roderick to take care of an interrogation only to discover that Roderick had tortured the man to the point that the man took his own life after giving Roderick the information he sought (Roderick broke all of the man's limbs then left him with a knife so that he could end his own life. He then had the gall to tell Yana, who had since realized what a terrible mistake it was to leave Roderick in charge of the interrogation, that no, he had not killed the man); etc, etc.
Last night, things were settling down. We luckily had a few days to rest up and train before we tried to find a way to overthrow a tyrant. However, we needed to stay low. Magic was outlawed in this city, and the tyrant was searching for the sword that we had. Talia (who has been showing more and more evidence of becoming an alcoholic as the game progressed; what with the guilt of unleashing the elves' evil god, killing the girl she felt didn't deserve to die for her crime and ultimately having nothing to look forward to but her execution by her people after she fixes her mistake, that is if she can) and Roderick go drinking in the inn we are staying in. Now, Talia has the constitution of a freaking giant. She drinks poison and survives. Roderick is a different story. It doesn't help that they choose to drink the strongest of the liquor available, Corvis Spirits.
At this point, it is important to know that Yana and Roderick have talked, Yana stills feels that Roderick is kind of crazy, but she understands that she is safe around him. It is also important to know that Roderick has a ring, a very special ring that lets him basically teleport (Yana does not like that he has that ring at all).
Corvis Spirits are called that for a reason, it turns out that this drink is so strong, it makes people see spirits, or hallucinate. Too bad Roderick has a guilty conscience from all of the people he has killed. He looses it when he starts seeing spirits. He activates his ring and starts trying to chase and fight the spirits he saw, leaving a path of carnage in his wake. Talia then puts on her ring of invisibility in hopes of going out into the city unseen, but still drunk.
Yana had come downstairs in time to witness the two in their drunken stupor and wonder to herself why she traveled with the group. Then she sees Roderick disappear. "Oh shit!"
First Yana tries to get Talia to stay behind in the inn, but fails. Thankfully, Talia manages to overcome her drunkenness ( that is she throws up all over the inn floor and asks what is going on), and the inn keeper demands that Talia return to her room. Yana thinks she leaves Talia there as she heads into the city after Roderick, but Talia sneaks out. Valar and Jared stay behind in the inn.
There is more craziness, and a path of carnage to follow. Roderick burns out the ring and looses the ability to transport, but not before he transports himself into the headquarters of a guild hideout. Yana finds him first, but can't calm him. He is fighting real people thinking he is fighting spirits. She settles for helping him fight, in hopes of eliminating the threat around him so she can try to calm him down again. Talia arrives and joins in the fight.
That failed, the guild leader shot Roderick with poison arrows, bringing him down. He then brought our whole group before him and told us that we had to infiltrate another guild's hideout and get back his kidnapped daughter as payment for the damage to his property and the lives of the men Roderick had killed.
So much for time to train in hiding. If we failed in this mission, we would all be killed. Yana is not in the least bit happy with Roderick. She's not particularly happy with Talia either, but Roderick is the one that got them into all of the trouble. They get Roderick to an abandoned house where the group then tries to take care of him. Talia is insistent that they remove the ring from Roderick's hand. Yana goes to heal him, starting with removing the ring but I fail the dice roll. I roll a one, and Yana ends up taking off Roderick's finger along with the ring. She freaks, throwing the finger into the air. Talia catches it, carves the ring from it with her dagger, the realigns it with Roderick's hand and tells Yana to heal it. Yana does, the finger reattaches.
It was so stressful! I play a game for fun and end up doing all of that! The morning was the best. Yana wakes last, but bitch-slaps Roderick as soon as she does wake up. Roderick gets caught up on the situation, and feeling terribly guilty asks, "When will you let me die?"
Yana responds venomously, "No, you won't die, I will heal you every time." This as opposed to earlier in the game after finding that Roderick had tortured the man she asked him to interrogate where she had told him she wouldn't heal him anymore.
Talia continues giving him a run down on everything that happened and that must now be done to repay damages. Yana makes sure to interject when Talia only says that they healed his finger, "Oh, and don't forget about the part where I took off his finger. That was great."
Yeah, that was great.
We stopped playing around 5:30 AM.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Sense of Approaching Doom explained
It's April Fool's Day! That means disaster can strike at anytime in the form of a cosmic joke of epic proportions!
J/K... But really, bad things can happen on April Fool's. It was April Fool's of last year that my parents left the pets under my uncle's care, flew up to Oberlin through bad weather (it was a pretty dangerous flight, they weren't expecting the icing) and then my uncle goes and get arrested!
But now that April is here, I remember something else as well. My birthday usually tends to be surrounded by bad things happening. Not always very bad, sometimes, just really sad. In my childhood, every year, my dad was called away for Navy training on the week of my Birthday. Every fucking year. A tornado hit my school district when I was in Elementary school the week before my birthday. I got my first period exactly one week before my 11th birthday. Both my aunt and grandmother died one week before my birthday. Last year's shooting at West Virginia Tech happened around my birthday as well. Things that will distract people from noticing that another year of my life is passing always happen around my birthday. Given my history, I don't think I'm all that paranoid to go expecting something bad to happen around my birthday again this year.
Okay, maybe I'm just more attentive to these things when its around my birthday. (I kind of doubt that). Maybe April is just a bad month....
I know its paranoid, but I can't help but think, "What will it be this year?"
J/K... But really, bad things can happen on April Fool's. It was April Fool's of last year that my parents left the pets under my uncle's care, flew up to Oberlin through bad weather (it was a pretty dangerous flight, they weren't expecting the icing) and then my uncle goes and get arrested!
But now that April is here, I remember something else as well. My birthday usually tends to be surrounded by bad things happening. Not always very bad, sometimes, just really sad. In my childhood, every year, my dad was called away for Navy training on the week of my Birthday. Every fucking year. A tornado hit my school district when I was in Elementary school the week before my birthday. I got my first period exactly one week before my 11th birthday. Both my aunt and grandmother died one week before my birthday. Last year's shooting at West Virginia Tech happened around my birthday as well. Things that will distract people from noticing that another year of my life is passing always happen around my birthday. Given my history, I don't think I'm all that paranoid to go expecting something bad to happen around my birthday again this year.
Okay, maybe I'm just more attentive to these things when its around my birthday. (I kind of doubt that). Maybe April is just a bad month....
I know its paranoid, but I can't help but think, "What will it be this year?"
Monday, March 30, 2009
Spring Break!!
....is over.....
Well damn it all. I'm back at a school and currently cleaning up my room. Moving back in, no matter for how briefly I was gone always results in a mess of a room. I always come back with more stuff than I left with, that and I really do fail at packing light. I have an excuse this time though! I was out of quarters and I needed to do laundry, so I brought it all home.
Before going home I went to Chicago! Chicago was freaking awesome! I went with my friend Lissa and we saw the sights. We couldn't really do any hardcore partying or bar hopping, not that either of us are really the type, but we wanted to try it out. Anyway, we couldn't since I am still underage. But not for long! Less than a month and I turn 21! But damn there is a lot standing in the way before then. So much work, several exams, planning Beltaine, a huge group project, Calculus ( Calculus is in the way of everything, always) all stand in the way before my birthday finally arrives. Its the big 21, too!
I'm a little depressed again. You know, I was kind of depressed before my 18th as well. I guess its just such a big date. I mean, I can't tell myself I'm a kid anymore after 21. I don't know if I am ready for it. I feel like I should goof off and be immature before it comes, but I can't really bring myself to. I like being alone in my room, I like reading in my spare time, and really, all my social goof off time is D&D and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. (I mean really, I have totally become a geek...I blame society sucking so much) I have all of one good close friend here at Oberlin and very little desire to socialize more. I wonder if I will regret this later? I kind of regret it now.
Thing is, I have found, and this is not really a new development, its just bothering me more, that I don't really like the people at Oberlin. I mean, I like the sense of community, I like that people are out there and liberal, and I totally love the campus, but the people as individuals don't impress me. They all seem immature to me, being weird for weirdness's sake and not because they are individualistic. I mean, they are all weird in the same damn way! And I don't fit in. And this is mostly my fault and I mostly don't care. I refuse to change myself, whether it is to become more liberal or more conservative just so I can fit in. I refuse to doll myself up to get a guy (not that there are many guys worth getting). I refuse to be vegetarian and that is FINAL. I love meat. I will kill something and eat it myself because that is the way things are supposed to be and I will not change my eating habits just because I am an environmental studies major! I know eating meat is bad for the environment, but not eating meat is bad for me. My god, I get so pissy, down and downright unpleasant to be around when I am denied my meat. So, I WILL NOT GO VEGETARIAN DAMNIT!
Sigh, anyway, I just needed to get that out of my chest. And I don't know why, but I have this weird sense that something drastic is going to happen to me, I don't know what, but I just feel like something is coming and that it really needs to happen. It might be miserable, I might get sick, I might get injured, but it needs to happen. I mean, I have had dreams since late in high school where something drastic happens and I transform as a person. I call these my chrysalis dreams. I have been having them a lot recently as well as quite a few more nightmares than usual. I can't help but feel that something is coming. I am just hoping that it all turns out well in the end.
Well damn it all. I'm back at a school and currently cleaning up my room. Moving back in, no matter for how briefly I was gone always results in a mess of a room. I always come back with more stuff than I left with, that and I really do fail at packing light. I have an excuse this time though! I was out of quarters and I needed to do laundry, so I brought it all home.
Before going home I went to Chicago! Chicago was freaking awesome! I went with my friend Lissa and we saw the sights. We couldn't really do any hardcore partying or bar hopping, not that either of us are really the type, but we wanted to try it out. Anyway, we couldn't since I am still underage. But not for long! Less than a month and I turn 21! But damn there is a lot standing in the way before then. So much work, several exams, planning Beltaine, a huge group project, Calculus ( Calculus is in the way of everything, always) all stand in the way before my birthday finally arrives. Its the big 21, too!
I'm a little depressed again. You know, I was kind of depressed before my 18th as well. I guess its just such a big date. I mean, I can't tell myself I'm a kid anymore after 21. I don't know if I am ready for it. I feel like I should goof off and be immature before it comes, but I can't really bring myself to. I like being alone in my room, I like reading in my spare time, and really, all my social goof off time is D&D and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. (I mean really, I have totally become a geek...I blame society sucking so much) I have all of one good close friend here at Oberlin and very little desire to socialize more. I wonder if I will regret this later? I kind of regret it now.
Thing is, I have found, and this is not really a new development, its just bothering me more, that I don't really like the people at Oberlin. I mean, I like the sense of community, I like that people are out there and liberal, and I totally love the campus, but the people as individuals don't impress me. They all seem immature to me, being weird for weirdness's sake and not because they are individualistic. I mean, they are all weird in the same damn way! And I don't fit in. And this is mostly my fault and I mostly don't care. I refuse to change myself, whether it is to become more liberal or more conservative just so I can fit in. I refuse to doll myself up to get a guy (not that there are many guys worth getting). I refuse to be vegetarian and that is FINAL. I love meat. I will kill something and eat it myself because that is the way things are supposed to be and I will not change my eating habits just because I am an environmental studies major! I know eating meat is bad for the environment, but not eating meat is bad for me. My god, I get so pissy, down and downright unpleasant to be around when I am denied my meat. So, I WILL NOT GO VEGETARIAN DAMNIT!
Sigh, anyway, I just needed to get that out of my chest. And I don't know why, but I have this weird sense that something drastic is going to happen to me, I don't know what, but I just feel like something is coming and that it really needs to happen. It might be miserable, I might get sick, I might get injured, but it needs to happen. I mean, I have had dreams since late in high school where something drastic happens and I transform as a person. I call these my chrysalis dreams. I have been having them a lot recently as well as quite a few more nightmares than usual. I can't help but feel that something is coming. I am just hoping that it all turns out well in the end.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Somethings just need to be written down....
It's been a while...again..... How about that?
I had a terrifying dream last night. To the extent that is must be written down.
The part of the dream I recall separates easily into two parts. The first starts scary, but ends okay, the second, the terror strikes out of now where....and it left me in a bad place for the entirety of the day.
In the first part of the dream I was at my friend Lissa's house. There was over a foot of snow on the ground and I wanted nothing more than to go out and play in it. Lissa had an errand to run, so she left, telling me she would be back soon. I went out to play in the snow. I sat down in the snow in front of her house, throwing snow into the air to rain down on me and what not. it didn't take long before I noticed two men in an old beat up black mustang watching me. I could tell they were bad news. I quickly got up to run back inside Lissa's house. I saw them get out of their car and follow. I locked the front door behind me, one of the men had run up the steps behind me and was banging on the door.
I stepped away from the door. Of course, then I realize that the back door is open. I look towards the back of the house in time to see the other man entering. I charged over to him yelling, "Get out!! Get out now!"
The guy smiled at me as he ran his fingers over the dining room table, "Why? We could have so much fun."
I glowered back at him, "No, we can't. Now, GET OUT!" I shoved him back out the back door with all my strength, realizing in the back of my mind how dangerous it was to be so close to the intruder.
It all turned out okay, I shoved him outside only to see that the police were already here (I never called them...) and Lissa was just arriving back with her boyfriend.
From there, there is a transition into the second part of the dream. I notice her dog Ari, a beagle, and another beagle which I find to be Ari's sister. In the dream Ari was younger than in life. She looked little more than a year or so old. Anyway, with the conflict ended, Lissa recommended we go on an adventure of sorts. I notice the horse's she had brought. I readily accepted th proposition for an adventure. We mounted the horses, Lissa, her boyfriend and I and sped away from her home into the woods (that don't actually exist there in life...) with the beagles leading the way.
I couldn't help but laugh at the way Ari and her sister's ear flapped as they ran.
After a spirited gallop into the wilderness we came upon a clearing. We stopped. We soon realized that the air was heavy, something was wrong. We dismounted the horses to look around. The clearing looked somewhat like the clearing in the arb in town.
Out of the tree line came a man. He wore long robes and emanated a feeling of power. The dogs cowered at our feet. The man came walking towards us muttering, "I finally found you, you are all mine...." The grin on his face was unsettling at best.
Lissa yelled at him to stay away but he just kept on approaching. When she tried to move, she realized that she couldn't. None of us could, we were frozen in place, unable to flee, protest of defend ourselves. The man stalked right up to me and gently stroked my cheek. I couldn't move, but I felt myself shiver. "Mine"
"Stay away from her!" Lissa screamed.
"No." With that, he reached into a sleeve or pocket, and pulled out what looked like an open thin metal hoop. He reached it up to my face and pierced each end of the hoop into my dimples. then he connected a fine metal chain to each end where it connected to my face that lead down to a leather dog collar he secured on my neck. From the outside I saw myself as an old woman, the hoop connected to my dimples forcing my wrinkled face into a creepy fake smile. The man then hooked a leash onto my collar and began to walk away. From the outside I saw him leading the old lady me away, I looked like I would willingly follow him off a cliff. I wanted to scream, I wanted to pull away, but I could do nothing.
Lissa had turned into an old woman too, but her voice remained the same as she screamed for the man to let me go, but she couldn't move.
The man lead me to a picnic table on the other side of the clearing where he directed me to sit across from him. He sat as well. He placed his chin in his hands and gazed happily at me. I saw Lissa walk towards us. It seems she and her bf had been released. The sat next to me. She moved to grab me, but the man crackled with dangerous energy and jerked at my leash when she did, so she stopped. She turned towards the man, her hands folded on the table. She stated calmly now, "let her go."
"no, she's mine."
"No, she's not. You can't have her."
"She's mine! You can't take her back. I won't let you take her away from me!"
For a brief moment I felt like we were role-playing. I imagined myself curled up on the seat, smiling when Lissa approached, playing my hero. Then I realized that I couldn't smile, I couldn't move. I had no free will. All I could do was watch and smile that creepy unnatural smile. I was however no longer an old woman, I was now in the form of my teenage self sitting erect, hands crossed on my lap, gazing into the man's eyes.
"You can't protect her, so you can't keep her." Lissa insisted.
It was then I noticed these little humanoid, dark skinned shapes crawling in mass from teh surrounding forest. They couldn't be more than 8 - 10 inches tall each, but they moved fast, and unnaturally. All of their digits ended in claws. Sharp fangs protruded from malformed little faces. "Let her go"
"NO! SHE'S MINE!"
Then as if watching from the outside, I see the creatures swarm towards the table and leap onto me. They leap onto my back and begin clawing away, ripping into my clothes and flesh. They try to attack Lissa and the man, but those two , but they are able to more and defend themselves. Lissa tries to get the creatures off of me, but the man stops her. "You have to let me help her!"
"NO, She's mine."
"But you can't protect her. If you can't protect her, you cannot have her. Let her go!"
The man is desperate, unable to fight off all the gremlins attacking him, let alone me. His eyes are wide, wild, yet he won't allow Lissa to touch me. All the while the gremlins rip into me. I am now crouched with my head on the table, my back hunched. My face never changes. I want to scream, I want to fight. I know that if I but had free will I could extend my own power and eliminate these monsters all at once, but I have no power, not even over myself.
"LET HER GO!!"
"NO!!"
I wake disturbed, anxious. I never regained my free will before I woke. Was I saved? Did he let me go? I don't know. I was so out of it today. I felt sluggish, kind of like I was still not in full control of my own limbs. It took hours for the terror and anxiousness from that dream to fade.
I just had to write this down... somethings just need to be written down.
I had a terrifying dream last night. To the extent that is must be written down.
The part of the dream I recall separates easily into two parts. The first starts scary, but ends okay, the second, the terror strikes out of now where....and it left me in a bad place for the entirety of the day.
In the first part of the dream I was at my friend Lissa's house. There was over a foot of snow on the ground and I wanted nothing more than to go out and play in it. Lissa had an errand to run, so she left, telling me she would be back soon. I went out to play in the snow. I sat down in the snow in front of her house, throwing snow into the air to rain down on me and what not. it didn't take long before I noticed two men in an old beat up black mustang watching me. I could tell they were bad news. I quickly got up to run back inside Lissa's house. I saw them get out of their car and follow. I locked the front door behind me, one of the men had run up the steps behind me and was banging on the door.
I stepped away from the door. Of course, then I realize that the back door is open. I look towards the back of the house in time to see the other man entering. I charged over to him yelling, "Get out!! Get out now!"
The guy smiled at me as he ran his fingers over the dining room table, "Why? We could have so much fun."
I glowered back at him, "No, we can't. Now, GET OUT!" I shoved him back out the back door with all my strength, realizing in the back of my mind how dangerous it was to be so close to the intruder.
It all turned out okay, I shoved him outside only to see that the police were already here (I never called them...) and Lissa was just arriving back with her boyfriend.
From there, there is a transition into the second part of the dream. I notice her dog Ari, a beagle, and another beagle which I find to be Ari's sister. In the dream Ari was younger than in life. She looked little more than a year or so old. Anyway, with the conflict ended, Lissa recommended we go on an adventure of sorts. I notice the horse's she had brought. I readily accepted th proposition for an adventure. We mounted the horses, Lissa, her boyfriend and I and sped away from her home into the woods (that don't actually exist there in life...) with the beagles leading the way.
I couldn't help but laugh at the way Ari and her sister's ear flapped as they ran.
After a spirited gallop into the wilderness we came upon a clearing. We stopped. We soon realized that the air was heavy, something was wrong. We dismounted the horses to look around. The clearing looked somewhat like the clearing in the arb in town.
Out of the tree line came a man. He wore long robes and emanated a feeling of power. The dogs cowered at our feet. The man came walking towards us muttering, "I finally found you, you are all mine...." The grin on his face was unsettling at best.
Lissa yelled at him to stay away but he just kept on approaching. When she tried to move, she realized that she couldn't. None of us could, we were frozen in place, unable to flee, protest of defend ourselves. The man stalked right up to me and gently stroked my cheek. I couldn't move, but I felt myself shiver. "Mine"
"Stay away from her!" Lissa screamed.
"No." With that, he reached into a sleeve or pocket, and pulled out what looked like an open thin metal hoop. He reached it up to my face and pierced each end of the hoop into my dimples. then he connected a fine metal chain to each end where it connected to my face that lead down to a leather dog collar he secured on my neck. From the outside I saw myself as an old woman, the hoop connected to my dimples forcing my wrinkled face into a creepy fake smile. The man then hooked a leash onto my collar and began to walk away. From the outside I saw him leading the old lady me away, I looked like I would willingly follow him off a cliff. I wanted to scream, I wanted to pull away, but I could do nothing.
Lissa had turned into an old woman too, but her voice remained the same as she screamed for the man to let me go, but she couldn't move.
The man lead me to a picnic table on the other side of the clearing where he directed me to sit across from him. He sat as well. He placed his chin in his hands and gazed happily at me. I saw Lissa walk towards us. It seems she and her bf had been released. The sat next to me. She moved to grab me, but the man crackled with dangerous energy and jerked at my leash when she did, so she stopped. She turned towards the man, her hands folded on the table. She stated calmly now, "let her go."
"no, she's mine."
"No, she's not. You can't have her."
"She's mine! You can't take her back. I won't let you take her away from me!"
For a brief moment I felt like we were role-playing. I imagined myself curled up on the seat, smiling when Lissa approached, playing my hero. Then I realized that I couldn't smile, I couldn't move. I had no free will. All I could do was watch and smile that creepy unnatural smile. I was however no longer an old woman, I was now in the form of my teenage self sitting erect, hands crossed on my lap, gazing into the man's eyes.
"You can't protect her, so you can't keep her." Lissa insisted.
It was then I noticed these little humanoid, dark skinned shapes crawling in mass from teh surrounding forest. They couldn't be more than 8 - 10 inches tall each, but they moved fast, and unnaturally. All of their digits ended in claws. Sharp fangs protruded from malformed little faces. "Let her go"
"NO! SHE'S MINE!"
Then as if watching from the outside, I see the creatures swarm towards the table and leap onto me. They leap onto my back and begin clawing away, ripping into my clothes and flesh. They try to attack Lissa and the man, but those two , but they are able to more and defend themselves. Lissa tries to get the creatures off of me, but the man stops her. "You have to let me help her!"
"NO, She's mine."
"But you can't protect her. If you can't protect her, you cannot have her. Let her go!"
The man is desperate, unable to fight off all the gremlins attacking him, let alone me. His eyes are wide, wild, yet he won't allow Lissa to touch me. All the while the gremlins rip into me. I am now crouched with my head on the table, my back hunched. My face never changes. I want to scream, I want to fight. I know that if I but had free will I could extend my own power and eliminate these monsters all at once, but I have no power, not even over myself.
"LET HER GO!!"
"NO!!"
I wake disturbed, anxious. I never regained my free will before I woke. Was I saved? Did he let me go? I don't know. I was so out of it today. I felt sluggish, kind of like I was still not in full control of my own limbs. It took hours for the terror and anxiousness from that dream to fade.
I just had to write this down... somethings just need to be written down.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Mutant Kitten!
I had one hell of a weird dream last night. The part I remember most that led to me jerking awake at some ungodly time of the morning went like this.
I was just exiting my dorm. Outside it was sunny with clear blue skies. The leaves on the trees were still vivid and bright oranges and reds, but there was also a plethora of leaves on the ground blowing with the wind. As I stepped out of the back door of my dorm I saw something on the ground nearby. At first I didn't know what it was. It was small, only slightly bigger then my fist and flesh colored. It looked like skin.
Upon closer inspection I was horrified. It was a raw skinned pile of flesh, and that is all. However, before my very eyes, it began to differentiate, I began to be able to see limbs and a little tail. And slowly, fine white fur began to grow from the skin. It was a kitten. A hideously bald fleshy mutant white kitten.
At first the fur was patchy and thin, but once again, before my very eyes the fur grew thicker, although the thing still looked scraggly as all hell. I was convinced of what it was, or at least what it had turned into when it finally moved and released a tiny heart-wrenching "mew."
For a moment I wondered if I should take it to a shelter. I worried though that if I took it the mother cat wouldn't be able to find it. What if the mom was coming back. Of course, then it occurred to me no mom cat would likely come given I just saw this kitten form from a pile of flesh.
Finally I made my decision, I would take the thing to the vet in town to get it checked out so it can go to a home. I couldn't leave it here, it would die from exposure or something would come to eat it, and I couldn't very well stand watch over it forever. Decision made I approached the thing and carefully picked it up. It was so tiny in my arms!
Now with the mutant kitten cradled in my arms, I rose and turned around to begin walking towards the vet. I hadn't gone even a step before I stopped. There hovering in the air right in front of my face, not even a full foot away, was a crow. Terror gripped me. This crow was completely black, black feathers, black beak, and beady black eyes (like most crows) but its wings were not beating. The crow hovered in the air, wings outstretched, beak held open, but unmoving.
I held my breath as I saw the bird's eyes move to focus on the kitten in my arms. Suddenly it let out a loud cry and dove forwards. I barely had time to duck. But I managed and it flew over my head. I turned to keep it in sight only to see an entire flock of crows filling the sky. Where I couldn't before, now I could hear a horrible cacaphone of sound as they all cried out and began swarming towards me. I ran.
The scene shifts to the waiting room of a veterinary clinic. There my brother and dad and some other men I don't know were waiting for me. My brother was wondering what was taking me so long? And why did I ask them to meet me there? Suddenly someone was banging on the doors. One of the other men opened the door and I came barreling inside. I was bleeding from various cuts and my light jacket was torn in multiple places with blood seeping out from underneathe, revealing the wounds.
"What happened?"
"I was attacked."
"By who?" My brother asked, then added, "What is that?"
He was referring to the fugly scraggly still partially bald things in my arms. "It's a kitten" I respond.
He gave me a look that screamed, "Oh, really?"
I continued, "The birds are trying to kill it?"
The guys went on to question me as to why I would put myself out there for an ugly little kitten. I thought about it. Somehow, I just knew that this thing was going to be something beautiful, it was going to blossom into a gorgeous cat, but those birds would kill it before it ever had the chance if I didn't protect it.
I never got a chance to say such, at that moment a bird flew full force into the glass portion of the door behind me. It fractured. I turned to look outside. The sky was dark from the hundreds of crows filling the sky. We were surrounded. I saw another bird come flying towards the window. If it hit, I was sure the window would shatter. I held the kitten in my arms protectively, it mewed in protest. The crow came closer and closer. Just as it was going to hit the glass I woke up.
I don't know why, but I have a really strong feeling that this dream is telling me something about my life right now. Something along the lines that I am the one protecting a hideous something or other that others would abandon because I can see the potential in it. Without my protection, something bad would happen to it. I think the something might be a person that I know others have given up on and now think is a bad person, an I also suspect this person needs protection and guidance. I can't help but wonder if this dream is about that situation with the person in my real life.
I was just exiting my dorm. Outside it was sunny with clear blue skies. The leaves on the trees were still vivid and bright oranges and reds, but there was also a plethora of leaves on the ground blowing with the wind. As I stepped out of the back door of my dorm I saw something on the ground nearby. At first I didn't know what it was. It was small, only slightly bigger then my fist and flesh colored. It looked like skin.
Upon closer inspection I was horrified. It was a raw skinned pile of flesh, and that is all. However, before my very eyes, it began to differentiate, I began to be able to see limbs and a little tail. And slowly, fine white fur began to grow from the skin. It was a kitten. A hideously bald fleshy mutant white kitten.
At first the fur was patchy and thin, but once again, before my very eyes the fur grew thicker, although the thing still looked scraggly as all hell. I was convinced of what it was, or at least what it had turned into when it finally moved and released a tiny heart-wrenching "mew."
For a moment I wondered if I should take it to a shelter. I worried though that if I took it the mother cat wouldn't be able to find it. What if the mom was coming back. Of course, then it occurred to me no mom cat would likely come given I just saw this kitten form from a pile of flesh.
Finally I made my decision, I would take the thing to the vet in town to get it checked out so it can go to a home. I couldn't leave it here, it would die from exposure or something would come to eat it, and I couldn't very well stand watch over it forever. Decision made I approached the thing and carefully picked it up. It was so tiny in my arms!
Now with the mutant kitten cradled in my arms, I rose and turned around to begin walking towards the vet. I hadn't gone even a step before I stopped. There hovering in the air right in front of my face, not even a full foot away, was a crow. Terror gripped me. This crow was completely black, black feathers, black beak, and beady black eyes (like most crows) but its wings were not beating. The crow hovered in the air, wings outstretched, beak held open, but unmoving.
I held my breath as I saw the bird's eyes move to focus on the kitten in my arms. Suddenly it let out a loud cry and dove forwards. I barely had time to duck. But I managed and it flew over my head. I turned to keep it in sight only to see an entire flock of crows filling the sky. Where I couldn't before, now I could hear a horrible cacaphone of sound as they all cried out and began swarming towards me. I ran.
The scene shifts to the waiting room of a veterinary clinic. There my brother and dad and some other men I don't know were waiting for me. My brother was wondering what was taking me so long? And why did I ask them to meet me there? Suddenly someone was banging on the doors. One of the other men opened the door and I came barreling inside. I was bleeding from various cuts and my light jacket was torn in multiple places with blood seeping out from underneathe, revealing the wounds.
"What happened?"
"I was attacked."
"By who?" My brother asked, then added, "What is that?"
He was referring to the fugly scraggly still partially bald things in my arms. "It's a kitten" I respond.
He gave me a look that screamed, "Oh, really?"
I continued, "The birds are trying to kill it?"
The guys went on to question me as to why I would put myself out there for an ugly little kitten. I thought about it. Somehow, I just knew that this thing was going to be something beautiful, it was going to blossom into a gorgeous cat, but those birds would kill it before it ever had the chance if I didn't protect it.
I never got a chance to say such, at that moment a bird flew full force into the glass portion of the door behind me. It fractured. I turned to look outside. The sky was dark from the hundreds of crows filling the sky. We were surrounded. I saw another bird come flying towards the window. If it hit, I was sure the window would shatter. I held the kitten in my arms protectively, it mewed in protest. The crow came closer and closer. Just as it was going to hit the glass I woke up.
I don't know why, but I have a really strong feeling that this dream is telling me something about my life right now. Something along the lines that I am the one protecting a hideous something or other that others would abandon because I can see the potential in it. Without my protection, something bad would happen to it. I think the something might be a person that I know others have given up on and now think is a bad person, an I also suspect this person needs protection and guidance. I can't help but wonder if this dream is about that situation with the person in my real life.
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